Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
