I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
