in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
