she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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