she kept yelling 'call me bella'
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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