It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
