Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
