...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
