Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
