New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
