The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Text me some of your sweat
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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