i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
