With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize