My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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