btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
