Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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