new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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