just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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