How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
