let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
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