Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Last time i carry you out of a forest
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
