When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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