It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
