This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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