i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
