I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
