she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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