This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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