why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You are the jesus of drinking
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
