How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
