I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
