I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
