why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
My pussy is not your playground.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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