Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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