I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
barbara walters just said penis...
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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