i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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