This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
