I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
