the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
