I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
