don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
