Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
