Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
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