he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
