I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
