Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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