Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
My liver is preforming stress tests.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
