Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
