Umm I'm too high to move.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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