I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
