I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
