please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
the raccoons are back...
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