hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
