i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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