There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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