And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
