she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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