last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
