then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
