WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
