This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
We're too hungover to prance.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
