You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
