stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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