i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
